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I will not say that he was the object of my first affections, for
that would be a lie. I have been feeling passionate about people
since I was very, very young. Younger probably than most people. But
I deny giving those feelings the title of love.
This may seem unfair to
those who don’t know the difference, but those who do will agree:
calling infantile crushes love is calling a dandelion a rose. There
is simply no comparison.
I suppose that we all
lose our first loves, as well, and that is what makes them so sweet.
But the truth is, real love is something that one never truly loses:
as long as we hold onto that feeling, that emotion that is love, in
its first, most pure state, we have hope, and we have the promise of
bright days ahead. And your first love is perhaps your most real and
most true of all loves.
It took us a year and a
half to work up to “I love you,” even though we’d been saying it
with our eyes for almost that entire time. He thought I was “hot,” I
thought he was “cute,” his friends hated me for taking him, my
friends hated me for talking about him all the time, but we were in
love, and damn the rest of the world.
Every single important
moment with him, from first kiss, first voicing of the tremendous
feeling inside, first time making love, break up, was completely
perfect. In the course of three months, I ran through every single
passionate emotion a human being can possess. And I think that he
would tell you the same.
Finally, I made a
mistake or two, and it became apparent that he had many things to do
that he couldn’t do with me there loving him deeply. I do not say
that bitterly; it is the truth. We are both young and ignorant, and
college draws us steadily farther away. And yet, our love draws us
closer and closer together.
In the days that
followed the breakup, I realized that while it hurt incredibly to
have to “lose” him, I had gained him as a friend, and that was more
important than anything else. Years down the line, I am sure, we
will end up back together, for there is much unfinished business and
untapped emotions between us.
But even if that never
comes to pass, he is, and will always remain, my first love as well
as one of my truest friends. There is so much I have to thank him
for, and I cannot, so I merely show him in my actions how much he
means to me, as a human being. I give him compassion, now, instead
of passion.
Love, true love,
transcends all. It does not have to be passionate. It does not have
to be wild, it does not have to be romantic. True love is ALL of
those things, at one time or another, but it endures through all the
ups and downs, adapts to all situations, and never gives up. That is
what gives those who love truly the incredible hope that all others
find so amazing and foolish.
But those who love are
not foolish … they are, for the first time, truly alive and open to
feeling all emotions that can possibly be felt by the human soul.
I am not a fool to have
loved and lost, for I lost nothing, and I gained the world.
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